Epic fail ne? Not Yet!

T_T
Over a month without updates here, or in my fic, or anywhere in my life - love, work - I find that even with friends I kind of suck at it. Last time I wanted to post here was after one of my friend bday supper. I practically ran out crying, feeling that for once I could have maybe made a fool of myself, but also made my point about being respectful and none judgemental, which my friends lacked that time. But I did not. I suppressed my tears like the nearly 25 yrs old adult that I was and swore I would talk to them later. Which I never did.

I don't know why I feel so depressed tonight. I don't know why I end up here talking about it, when that event has passed and I was thinking of firing myself up for NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe listening to your heart is the key. As it is for writing, or so it seems. This week's pep talk was about writing about what you want to write. Maybe subconciously I need to vent that evening out here because I was not over it? I don't really know. I take pride over knowing myself well but it seems knowing about it doesn't make a difference. I find myself unable to change, lacking willpower, means, confidence...

Then I recall the weeks following my birthday. It was an awesome birthday, I got best wishesd from people I didn't think I would... It seemed turning 25 stirred up stuff though. I felt like a dying swamp. Ok, maybe not the best image. But you know, when a water pool is disappearing over the years, its botom and border get filled with plants, dead wood, and if you put your feet at the bottom, you can sense yourself going deeper in mudd like shit when on the surface everything seems fine. Well some events seems to stirr up the shit in the bottom of my heart and head, only to fall back down when I forget about them. Self defense mechanism I could say, I'm very good at forgetting things.

So, a week after my Bday I found myself having adults conversations with friends that reminded myself of me as a kid, wonder in her eyes as she wished she could be a grown up to participate in those adults conversations too. Strange how humans often wish for something they can't have, and when they have it, they want to turn back time? That is especially an issue for me because I always lived half in the futur, half in the past, not thinking of saving some time for me in the present. Or thinking of saving everyone in the present.

Which I grasped more on Halloween's week-end. When I read my character sheet for our now annual thrill/horror roleplay game, I winced at my character's closeness to me. Ben made me a favor that night when he made me remember one of my best quality and worse flaw. I want to save everyone, make people like eachother and make them happy around me, even if I have to sacrifice myself for that. Which I still ended up doing at the end of the game. I KNOW its a GAME. I make due precision just in case some weird hating D&D stalker reads that and go ranting about this "devil game"...

Because I want to be special, I often forget I already am. I'm open minded, I welcome every living being in my heart and I believe every human (don't know any aliens yet) is good to the core. I'm a perfect, endeering, stupid, main character from one of my Shoujo (girl) anime. I'm a geek with a weird love for weirdness, cats and nyahs.And I'm still hoping for my happy ending. Such naive girl living in me. And I'm told this is a gift, from a kind lady whom I always talk to at my job. Her mother is the same, a Libra of he 21 october. No more point to make although a zodiac sign has defined me in many ways even if I don't believe in fortune telling and such.

Well its a new year beginning, almost a month has passed and I am now writing a novel! *kind of time to change the subject, because it was rainy border stormlike with a chance of meatballs...which I ate for dinner! XD. Yay for making absolutely no sense :) That's what my novel's all about. Too. Not just my life. Lol.

I want to do a sci-fi novel with fun stuff, well I can! And I will! 1104 words so far, the month is almost at its half and my muse keep her mouth shut. I began on the 3rd or 4th, but still, I should be able to find my inner voice. Now that I've left  some negative energy flow out, I can think of walking forward, in the "now"! Well right now it would be more acurate to say sleep forward in the now *roll eyes*. Almost 5h30 am, I will get in bed before the sun rises. I want to reach at least 25 000 words before the end of november, which would be half of what's expected. Still for now the mark is 10 000 first ^^ Never stop hoping, even if it hurts. Because a true path to happiness is hoping for something greater tomorrow than the awesomness of today!

Epic fail ? Never!